for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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