I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
