If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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