I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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