Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
