im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
