Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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