I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm like, not good at living.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize