i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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