I just threw up on my dentist
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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