I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Can you bring me the toilet please
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
