Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
