I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
