why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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