hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
