All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
