I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
