Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
