i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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