i dont even know how to be here
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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