my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
