Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
