meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
