Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
