it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
