I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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