I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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