Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
