Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
