He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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