I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
