the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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