Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
