Your face is a jimmy john
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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