I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
