Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
