Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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