i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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