drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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