We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
