Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
