i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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