If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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