You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
