I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
