she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
