No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
