What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
