it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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