I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
someone owes me an orgasm
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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